Pirates Of San Fernando Valley

Pirates caused something of a storm in the adult industry when released back in 2006, setting a new standard for the dying artform of big-budget, high concept hardcore and arguably spawning the new generation of porn parodies. The first adult movie in decades to be re-edited for an R-rating and given a theatrical release, this alleged $1 million production successfully showed what needed to be done to combat the threat of the tube sites – namely, making something that bedroom amateurs couldn’t compete with, and producing a film that can cross-over beyond the traditional XXX marketplace.

While obviously inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean, Pirates sets itself apart from the parodies that followed by at least having an original plot. Pirate Captain Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn) kidnaps just-married Manuel Venezuela (Kris Slater), the descendent of Incans who have hidden away some sort of magical sceptre that only he can locate. Chasing them down are pirate hunters Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone, channelling William Shatner) – a rather incompetent blowhard – and his first mate Jules (Jesse Jane). After the rescue of Manuel’s bride Isabella (Carmen Luvana), thrown to the sharks by Stagnetti, they follow the villain to a secret island where the two forces do battle.

There’s no arguing with the fact that Pirates is a pretty impressive effort. With sumptuous sets and costumes, a huge cast and some decent – not spectacular but efficient -CGI (the Jason and the Argonauts-inspired living skeletons are particularly impressive, and it’s a pity that such cool monsters are pretty much thrown away in the story), this could easily be a better-than-average SyFy movie if you took out the sex (as the R-rated cut did). You might choose to question the authenticity of virginal brides who have distinctly modern tattoos and implants, but the film isn’t taking itself too seriously anyway, so such anomalies can be accepted.

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