The Xmas Jukebox: The Krackpots’ Proper Christmas

Harking back to the festive hits of yesteryear, a controversial band make an unexpected and effective stab at wholesome respectability.

The Christmas Number One Record used to be a big deal in the UK, with bands fighting it out for the apparently prestigious position, sometimes with festive tunes, sometimes not. The mythology of how important a Christmas chart-topper is part of a false collective memory created by the media, alongside everyone gathering to watch the Christmas Top of the Pops after the Queen’s Speech – a schedule slot that I always recall being taken by the Big Film, back when Christmas Day movie premieres on TV really were a big deal. I don’t remember ever watching TOTP on Christmas Day, not when there was the big Bond film to enjoy – but apparently everyone did.

In any case, the Christmas Number One has, in the last couple of decades, lost its shine, firstly thanks to the relentless efforts of Simon Cowell and his awful talent shows, the winner of which was effectively guaranteed to top the Christmas charts, to the extent that when Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name Of was protest-purchased to the top slot in 2009, some people complained that X-Factor winner Joe McElderry had been ‘cheated’ of his position, as though a Christmas Number One was officially part of the prize for winning the show, and tacit admission that this would be his only chance of chart success before the fickle TV audience forgot all about him, ready to greet the next year’s winner.

If only we had known that these were the glory years compared to what was to come in the nightmarish form of Ladbaby, the novelty act whose numbingly awful parody songs topped the festive charts for the last five years. The records raised money for charity, which made them almost untouchable by most critics – well done, then, to The Kunts, who for the last few years have taken the fight, musically and personally, to an act that they have claimed was cynically opportunistic. This year, Ladbaby has dropped out of the race and so have The Kunts, leaving the field wide open for a new contender.

And so we come to The Krackpots. According to the press release, “the identity of the band behind The Krackpots, a mystery group with several top 10 hits, is a closely guarded secret, and an intriguing mystery, a bit like Banksy.” Well, perhaps not that closely guarded, given that the first press release was sent from the ‘secret’ band’s email address and anyone even vaguely familiar with their career – or that of their lead singer – will recognise who it is immediately. But, you know, let’s play along and pretend that we have no idea who they are.

Proper Christmas is, oddly enough, a seemingly earnest attempt to have a Christmas hit that could be played on the radio, with DJs able to say the name of the band for once. It’s not an entirely straight-faced effort – there’s still humour here, perhaps more humour than the band’s more recent polemics – but it is odd seeing them actually trying for respectability and recording an actual, old-fashioned Christmas tune that channels the hits of Slade and other festive classics. And it works – the track is immediately infectious and the chorus lodges itself into your head on a single listen, just like all the Christmas classics do. You’ll be humming this for days, like it or not.

The music video hides the band behind puppet surrogates and there isn’t a single swear word – not even a hint of innuendo, in fact. You could play this on kid’s TV if kid’s TV was still a thing. I suspect that the band’s infamous past might still be held against them in some circles, but never mind. After all this time, we deserve a proper Christmas chart-topper, and Proper Christmas could have possibly been the one* – a fact that (all things considered) gives me a warm glow inside.

* The recent death of Shane McGowan has probably made betting for anything other than Fairytale of New York as this year’s Christmas chart-topper null and void. The real battle might be for second place, which – as with the Eurovision Song Contest in 2022 – will be the unsentimental winner.

DAVID FLINT

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