Behind The Scenes Of An Adult Movie Shoot

For the last two years, I’ve been commissioned to make spanking films for Mature.NL, the biggest MILF site in Europe. They are cripplingly specific in their requirements: I must spank, then shag, innocent-looking women aged under 25, in age play scenarios – teacher, stepmother, babysitter. Producing these films has sent me travelling all about the world, chasing down willing young women, without tattoos, who’ll take a spanking and show their faces, for these creatures are rarer than unicorns. This week, my cameraman Richard and I drove to Suffolk, a part of the world where Keith, Richard’s former work colleague, had chosen to settle.

Keith likes porn. Richard and I, as the weeks wear on, find increasingly we do not. So we thought maybe we could offer Keith a few pounds and pints to act as a camera assistant, make him happy and save ourselves some effort. Win-win.

Or not. For I quickly started to suspect Keith’s expectations for the day were absurdly, impossibly high. He arrived bouncy and talkative, and, as I made the first of many mugs of tea, began quizzing me about the day ahead.

I sighed and wondered whether to confess the truth or let him keep dreaming a few minutes longer.

For this is the dreadful reality of shooting porn: It’s insanely boring. It possesses all the erotic delight of sitting in a traffic jam. That’s a traffic jam on your way to a job you hate, on a rainy Monday morning, while fighting PMT and a headache. 90% of the time spent on a porn shoot is spent worrying about how we can get heads and feet into the same shot: 8% worrying about reflections of lights in the picture frames which Airbnb owners will thoughtlessly leave on walls: 2% is spent actually performing, but even that tends to be dull, formulaic, your mind so crowded with thoughts of how long you’ve spent talking, if it’s time you moved on to strapping their hands, where the hell you can stick your feet to keep them in frame, that you can’t find the performance even interesting, still less horny.

Lana rocked up in a battered blue van. Currently, she was living in this van because her boyfriend was in prison and she’d got chucked out of their flat. Her nan also lived in said van. There was a box of wine on the dashboard. Upon hugging her, I found that Lana, sadly, hadn’t found the opportunity to wash in some days.

She staggered into the kitchen and began super-glueing on her nails (“I’m doing a naked boxing event later, so I’ll bite em off when we’re done here”), and as they dried told us how she’d given up on dating, for why risk her sexual health dishing out freebies? After all, if her date gave her chlamydia she’d lose weeks of work. She’s 25! Poor Keith. I suspect secretly he’d been hoping for an orgy: instead, I could almost hear his testicles shrivelling into his guts. Lana hates being spanked, but desperately wanted the money to rescue dogs in Indonesia, which is her true passion, and had done much worse than this to raise funds. She went on to tell us some extraordinary anecdotes, while I watched poor Keith turn grey. Her last shoot involved triple anal (TAP, she called it, which I googled discreetly later) and it took ages because she would keep shitting herself.  I wound a consolatory arm about his waist.

MELISSA TODD

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